my father

This summer, perhaps in mid june, I had come home from work and was sitting in my front yard. My dad came out from inside, wearing a very stained shalwar kameez, hair standing on end, greasy and unwashed. It was clear that he had just gotten up from his nap. It was 5pm. He looked forlorn and lost, his eyes puffy, face unshaven. I couldn't even stand to look at him. Looking at him would mean talking to him, and talking to him would inevitably lead to a fight. I resolutely kept my attention on my book and watched him from the corner of my eye.

On this particular day, he had a cup of tea in his hand, filled so fully that at any moment the liquid threatened to spill. This made me nervous. His right hand was trembling. He moved with slow, laborious steps towards the end of our driveway and then back up to the garage. This went on for about twenty minutes. Then, twenty minutes turned into one hour. He said, "I'm waiting for your mom. I feel no good and then your mom come home and i feels like everything is good again." This memory still breaks my heart.

I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. He suffers from depression and as of late he has not been dealing with it well. I used to be so angry with him for being so sad and miserable all the time. I resented his presence in my life and blamed him for a lot of my own faults. Now, I am just heartbroken to see him this way. I know what a great person he is and I think he deserves only happiness. He works so hard and cares so much. If I could trade places with him, I would in an instant to show him that the world isnt so terrible. But, I know I can't do that. My inability to help him out of this rut is beyond frustrating.

I know my dad isn't reading this.

But Dad, I'm so terribly sorry for how I have been. It can't be easy to see your daughter ignore you and treat you like shit. I am embarrassed and so saddened at my lack of understanding dad. You are an amazing person, I wish I could have half the heart that you do. You are so generous and lovely. You bring tears to my eyes with how much you care for mom and us. I know you do. Remember when you used to be able to pick me up and I would always take your cowboy hat? (Why did you have a cowboy hat?) Remember that horrific, purple frilly number mom used to dress me in? I know you loved that. Remember how you always caved in when I asked for yet another atrocious mushroom haircut. Anything for my favorite daughter you would always say. Never mind that I am your only daughter, that was still pretty sweet of you. Remember that you used to get those super sugary, super delicious smiley faces on my birthday cakes? Remember when I used to play in our store and you would smile at me. Do you remember what it was like to be happy? Do you think maybe you could try to remember why you were so happy then and bring that feeling into the present? I love you dad. Please come back. Don't be sad anymore. I need you. I love you. I know you have it in you to change and to be better. I believe in you more than you will ever know. I'm counting on you.