obsession

I was just on facebook (naturally) and I saw that someone had posted a dictionary definition for the word obsession. I am fairly convinced that soon there will be a picture of me following that definition. I am in every way possible an obsessive person and do not understand the meaning of moderation. On the plus side of things, I fall hard for things and people that I love. But mostly, I find myself in a cycle of behavior that is not only obsessive but destructively compulsive. Sometimes this obsession leads to fruitful and beautiful results but as of late, it is just eating away at me and destroying parts of me and my life that I want to retain. Since right now I am feeling rather logical I can reason and make clear to myself over and over in words that I am going to stop being this way and that I am going to move forward with a new moderate, carefree lifestyle. This new improved way of being seems to last about two weeks before whatever it is that makes me obsess about the most ridiculous and ultimately, inane, of things returns with a vengeance. I find myself uncontrollably angry or upset in places where it is not necessarily acceptable, or wise to display such emotion in the ways that I choose to display it. I lose control in a bad way and my sense of reality and even my sense of what it is I actually feel disappears and is overtaken by this hateful feeling. It surges through me and I wake up the next morning embarrassed and upset with my behavior towards those that are nearest and dearest to me. The sheer inconsiderate nature of my actions saddens me and makes me wonder how I could have even behaved the way that I did. What kind of thought processes did I go through to arrive in a place where I lost touch of everything that matters? How could I have been so selfish? The grief I feel for such behavior is overwhelming. My inability to make this bad behavior disappear sometimes immobilizes me for hours on end. The cycle repeats itself. I examine what went wrong, I grow upset about why I was upset, I become sad at my inability to change the past and more importantly at my inability to have foreseen the consequences of my actions. To complicate matters further, I recognize that in order for things to be different all I need to do is stop how that feeling (which I will try to describe later) manifests itself outside of my head. That is to say, I need to find an outlet for this feeling that does not destroy the shards of my friendship that still remain. I must forgive myself, and move forward with the conviction that I will remember how I feel after I behave in such infantile ways. That is really the only thing I can do after all is said and done. Thinking about what I did in a repeated loop very nearly drives me insane. Knowing this and doing this are two very different animals. When I do listen to the good advice that has been given to me countless times by others and what I know to be true myself, I have a good time. I experience complete happiness and contentment. Why is it that despite knowing this and understanding the way to be this way, I delve into hollow acts of selfishness? Why do my actions consistently render my words meaningless?